Me, God, Ruel, and bullier...

Tonight when I close my eyes and start to sleep, suddenly a fear cross my mind. and I open my eyes to let the fear and worry goes away. And I start talk to God.
The fear I have is about the way my son will be raised. And that he will meet a lot of people who might be cruel. Orang2 yang mungkin tidak punya hati nurani.

Pikiran ini muncul secara beragam dan datang dari berbagai ingatan saya akan hari-hari kemarin, maupun masa lalu yang saya alami sendiri.

Beberapa hari terakhir ini, tadi sore, dan juga Jumat sore, saya 2 kali bersinggungan dengan anak-anak yang "sulit". Anak-anak yang menjengkelkan, dan anak-anak yang mencoba "menganggu" anak saya, walaupun mungkin tidak secara langsung. Tanpa perlu disusahkan oleh details, intinya saya kesal, dan merasa terganggu dengan anak-anak dan orang tua-orang tua mereka. Mereka HANYAlah anak-anak yang bersinggungan dengan kami di Mall, di Paperclip maupun arena bermain anak.

Bagian dari anak Tuhan dalam diri saya ingin sekali cuek dan penuh penguasaan diri, sabar, mengampuni, dan sebagainya yang seharusnya anak-anak Tuhan hadapi. Tapi sisi seorang mama dari saya, membuat saya gemas dan ingin bertidak. Saya pulang dengan tidak banyak bersikap negative, dan hanya tegas terhadap anak-anak tersebut, tapi muncul andai-andai... bagaimana kalo saya labrak saya ya mama-nya? atau saya sindir saja? atau saya tegur saja?
Sampai malam ini Tuhan berbicara kepada saya, "mereka itu juga anak-anakKu."
"Tuhan.. kenapa ciptaanMu begitu banyak yg cruel? well.. I am no better than anyone else, of course, but at least I am not cruel..."
then God reminds me a scenery of myself being cruel to a weaker friend I have waktu SMP, something that being forgotten for so long... and saya minta pengampunan Tuhan dan memberkati teman saya itu, yang sekarang entah ada dimana. pastinya tidak ada di FB saya. :)

Dan kembali saya diingatkan pada waktu SD dan SMP, I was being bullied by some stronger person. The time while I have a weak personality. And yes, I didn't know God at that time. And I have a false image, a broken image about myself. Those moments scratch my heart so deeply and destroy my self esteem, until the day I know God.

Again not into details about how God change me at that time, but I am afraid. Saya takut bahwa Ruel akan mengalami hal-hal yang saya alami. Intinya saya takut anak saya di-bully. Ketakutan yang saya tahu dimiliki oleh banyak mama dan papa miliki.

Anak saya, Ruel, mirip seperti saya. Kami berdua menilai baik dan buruk secara hitam dan putih. Kami terganggu pada hal-hal yang berada di area abu-abu, kami tidak mengerti kenapa seorang anak/teman merebut barang milik orang lain. Kami tidak mengerti kenapa walaupun "miss" sudah memberitahu anak-anak untuk tidak memukul, anak-anak masih juga memukul.
Anak saya, Ruel, hari ini baru berkata pada saya sore, ini.. "mami, miss bilang anak-anak ngga boleh tendang dan pukul". waktu itu konteks saya itu tendang bola, rupanya dia salah tangkap maksud saya. Tapi clearly I KNOW that my son get what his miss said, "do not hit other children." and clearly he doesn't understand WHY other people do that. He is a white and black person. And he is definitely like me and his daddy.

Being a "black and white" person, I struggle in many things.
At elementary school, a bunch of popular gals decide to "hate" a boy who had many scratch di kakinya. No other reason, simply hanya karena anak itu punya banyak borok di kakinya, dan seluruh anak perempuan di kelas memusuhi dia, except me. Yep!! You read it clear, except me. Because I just DON'T understand why we should ignore him just because of that. And that makes me "different". And to be different means you got no friend.

All those forgotten memories, being bullied, ignored, and so many things in the past before I know Jesus, suddenly came again tonight and I said, "God I am scared".
God said, "Kenapa tidak engkau serahkan Ruel padaku?"
"But God, saya takut, karena Engkau bisa membiarkan hati Ayub hambaMu begitu sakit walaupun demi kebaikan dia, saya takut Engkau ijinkan hati anakku tersakiti, seperti apa yang pernah aku alami.".
"It's not that I don't know what you feel. It's not that I am not a Father. I had given my Jesus to save you, and my Jesus' heart being hurt so deeply that it's hurt my heart so much. I know what you feel."
This suddenly makes me realize that I think I know better and has a better plan than God. But I am actually not.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways
my ways, saith the LORD.
55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The best plans all parents can have, is let God's plans happen to our children.
We clearly don't understand what we should do and how to teach our children to have a strong personality, but God knows.
We don't understand how we should teach our children to handle things and to pick the best decision in difficult times, but God knows.
Actually, we... know nothing. But God knows.

Being afraid, worry, is so human.
But we are His children. We should send all of it to God.

Serahkanlah segala kekuatiranmu kepada-Nya, sebab Ia yang memelihara kamu.
1 Petrus 5:7


Buat all mommies and daddies.
And terutama buat Oliv yg kutahu have the same burden with me. I luv u so much.