Me, God, Ruel, and bullier...

Tonight when I close my eyes and start to sleep, suddenly a fear cross my mind. and I open my eyes to let the fear and worry goes away. And I start talk to God.
The fear I have is about the way my son will be raised. And that he will meet a lot of people who might be cruel. Orang2 yang mungkin tidak punya hati nurani.

Pikiran ini muncul secara beragam dan datang dari berbagai ingatan saya akan hari-hari kemarin, maupun masa lalu yang saya alami sendiri.

Beberapa hari terakhir ini, tadi sore, dan juga Jumat sore, saya 2 kali bersinggungan dengan anak-anak yang "sulit". Anak-anak yang menjengkelkan, dan anak-anak yang mencoba "menganggu" anak saya, walaupun mungkin tidak secara langsung. Tanpa perlu disusahkan oleh details, intinya saya kesal, dan merasa terganggu dengan anak-anak dan orang tua-orang tua mereka. Mereka HANYAlah anak-anak yang bersinggungan dengan kami di Mall, di Paperclip maupun arena bermain anak.

Bagian dari anak Tuhan dalam diri saya ingin sekali cuek dan penuh penguasaan diri, sabar, mengampuni, dan sebagainya yang seharusnya anak-anak Tuhan hadapi. Tapi sisi seorang mama dari saya, membuat saya gemas dan ingin bertidak. Saya pulang dengan tidak banyak bersikap negative, dan hanya tegas terhadap anak-anak tersebut, tapi muncul andai-andai... bagaimana kalo saya labrak saya ya mama-nya? atau saya sindir saja? atau saya tegur saja?
Sampai malam ini Tuhan berbicara kepada saya, "mereka itu juga anak-anakKu."
"Tuhan.. kenapa ciptaanMu begitu banyak yg cruel? well.. I am no better than anyone else, of course, but at least I am not cruel..."
then God reminds me a scenery of myself being cruel to a weaker friend I have waktu SMP, something that being forgotten for so long... and saya minta pengampunan Tuhan dan memberkati teman saya itu, yang sekarang entah ada dimana. pastinya tidak ada di FB saya. :)

Dan kembali saya diingatkan pada waktu SD dan SMP, I was being bullied by some stronger person. The time while I have a weak personality. And yes, I didn't know God at that time. And I have a false image, a broken image about myself. Those moments scratch my heart so deeply and destroy my self esteem, until the day I know God.

Again not into details about how God change me at that time, but I am afraid. Saya takut bahwa Ruel akan mengalami hal-hal yang saya alami. Intinya saya takut anak saya di-bully. Ketakutan yang saya tahu dimiliki oleh banyak mama dan papa miliki.

Anak saya, Ruel, mirip seperti saya. Kami berdua menilai baik dan buruk secara hitam dan putih. Kami terganggu pada hal-hal yang berada di area abu-abu, kami tidak mengerti kenapa seorang anak/teman merebut barang milik orang lain. Kami tidak mengerti kenapa walaupun "miss" sudah memberitahu anak-anak untuk tidak memukul, anak-anak masih juga memukul.
Anak saya, Ruel, hari ini baru berkata pada saya sore, ini.. "mami, miss bilang anak-anak ngga boleh tendang dan pukul". waktu itu konteks saya itu tendang bola, rupanya dia salah tangkap maksud saya. Tapi clearly I KNOW that my son get what his miss said, "do not hit other children." and clearly he doesn't understand WHY other people do that. He is a white and black person. And he is definitely like me and his daddy.

Being a "black and white" person, I struggle in many things.
At elementary school, a bunch of popular gals decide to "hate" a boy who had many scratch di kakinya. No other reason, simply hanya karena anak itu punya banyak borok di kakinya, dan seluruh anak perempuan di kelas memusuhi dia, except me. Yep!! You read it clear, except me. Because I just DON'T understand why we should ignore him just because of that. And that makes me "different". And to be different means you got no friend.

All those forgotten memories, being bullied, ignored, and so many things in the past before I know Jesus, suddenly came again tonight and I said, "God I am scared".
God said, "Kenapa tidak engkau serahkan Ruel padaku?"
"But God, saya takut, karena Engkau bisa membiarkan hati Ayub hambaMu begitu sakit walaupun demi kebaikan dia, saya takut Engkau ijinkan hati anakku tersakiti, seperti apa yang pernah aku alami.".
"It's not that I don't know what you feel. It's not that I am not a Father. I had given my Jesus to save you, and my Jesus' heart being hurt so deeply that it's hurt my heart so much. I know what you feel."
This suddenly makes me realize that I think I know better and has a better plan than God. But I am actually not.

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways
my ways, saith the LORD.
55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The best plans all parents can have, is let God's plans happen to our children.
We clearly don't understand what we should do and how to teach our children to have a strong personality, but God knows.
We don't understand how we should teach our children to handle things and to pick the best decision in difficult times, but God knows.
Actually, we... know nothing. But God knows.

Being afraid, worry, is so human.
But we are His children. We should send all of it to God.

Serahkanlah segala kekuatiranmu kepada-Nya, sebab Ia yang memelihara kamu.
1 Petrus 5:7


Buat all mommies and daddies.
And terutama buat Oliv yg kutahu have the same burden with me. I luv u so much.

Journey

Life is a mysterious journey. every journey the Lord took me always leads me to understand that He loves me so... even though it hurts in the beginning.



photo taken on the way to Indonesian Graphic Designer Award.
Sunday, 23 May 2010

Those Little Angels...

Just a little something that I draw few days ago at Starbucks. :)




The angel boy is Ruel. He always has his hair standing like that after he wake up.

I was imagine about angels of love.
That.. up on the sky there's many little angels who have lots of love to spread all around the world.
The friendship love, the lover's love, and.. the mother's love.
To bring piece and happiness all around the world.

BUT maybe we have those angels at our own house, through the purity of our own children.

For those who haven't, maybe your little angel are still up on the sky, and God is waiting for the right time to send one to your door... :)

Nite.. nite...

I am so tired today.
Just took lots of photos for my friend's business, cloths and cloths. And now my eye is blurry.
But I am glad I took 3 shoots of Ruel before he went sleep. :)




I wish I can took moooore photos of him. :)
Been so busy lately, and his childhood won't be repeated, so yeah need more photos!! :)

This is a photo of him an hour before he slept.

G'nite everyone.
Off to sleep.. ZzzZzzz....

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day everyone. :)
I am late to post this, as this weekend we spend time with Ruel and family a lot.

As a mom it is our biggest wishes to always give the best for our children. To wish them happiness forever and ever in our life..
And it's really beautiful that it is also God's will..

Don't u ever forget...:

Psalm 127:3-4 (King James Version)

children are an heritage of the LORD:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;
so are children of the youth.

As as a mom, as a parent (also for all the daddy).. it's really important that we not only present them the 'material heritage' but also the value of life.

I remember that long time ago when my hubby haven't know Jesus as His Savior. He has a pretty liberal life, a rebel as a youth, etc and etc... but his mom always teach him a value to keep his life, and even when he haven't know Jesus personally, the value guide and keep him not to go "too far" in his life.

My own family value I see from my daddy. He is a fighter and he NEVER complain even in the hardest time. As I grow up as an adult. There's so many valley I need to pass, God give me strength - it is true, but I also see the sample from my own dad. And that is the value that "keep me alive".

One of a gal I know just marry a man who grown up in Amish family, who been teach to value women VERY high and to be obedient. And one of my friend who was a mentor for them told me a story how he obey God in their relationship and I must give my two thumbs up for them.

So as a mom, as a parent (and maybe as a daddy if any daddy reading this), teach your children the value of life. The obedient to the Words of God. And you had save their future life, you had save your future generation. :)
The value will be their 1st umbrella... ;)



Again...

Happy Mother's Day, moms!

Hugs,
Kitty

Some people think that they can grow by disparage competitor, but they are wrong. Negativity can never lead you to be a winner. It's great attitude and positive spirit!

I wish...

I only have creativity in my hand..

I wish ... I wish ... I wish I can be a blessing wherever I go....

A Dreamer

A Dreamer sleep, but not all the time. A dreamer imagine things, and then working hard to make it happen. And depend on God in everything we do.



About the drawing..

That is "me" in a little letter "K".
Me, as a dreamer.. :)


I am a dreamer who rarely sleep, that is what my best friend say about me. Hehe.. and I told her that a dreamer don’t have to sleep all the time, we can imagine things and then working hard to make it happen. And depend on God in every thing we do.

The other image is from my kit: Sparkle Night

The original sketch is this one, hand drawn use pencil. Non edited. :)



I draw this at Starbucks Artha Gading.
A place where I usually day dreaming. LOL.
May 2, 2010

Succesful

Successful start from loyal to the smallest things. And be brave to stand for the truth in business. 1 point to remember, as a Christian, u should be c l e a n in business!

Ruel promised miss Marsella that he will pray for a boy who fall at school last night, and he did that, he said he wants to pray for him. :) I am so happy. We were in the middle of teaching him to be a blessing start from praying for others.

Start from yesterday night, we will start to pray for other person one in a day. Ruel will pick the person. :)

Magic Heart

There's an unexplained magic a child can put in your heart.
Thanks for the sweet magic, Ruel...
I love you..

KBC Camp

Ricks is going out for Kingdom of Business Camp this weekend, Sat-Sunday.
Miss him already even when he just gone for few hours.
I scrap a page for this, been awhile since I scrap.



credits: Cutie Putie Birdie

Although I miss him a lot, I actually excited for this camp.
And I even want to go by myself but can't leave Ruel with my mom yet.

Me and Ricks had been praying last night that this camp can open our mind and destroy our false paradigma about business. And I also pray that this camp can heal his heart.
We wish that this camp can purified our business motivation so we can glorified His Name and bless our clients and our future employee. I believe that our hands will not asked but give blessing.

May the kingdom of God be the center of our business!

Ruel and "One Only"

Ruel: mommy, i want chocolate.

Me: "one only, ok?"

Ruel: ok, mommy...
*ruel eating Delfi chocolate, Ruel go outside and back with a box of Astor.

"mommy..."

Me: "Didn't mommy say, 'one only'?"

Ruel: "yes mommy, this is also "one only."
*showing me other kind of chocolate.

Ruel is 4!!!!

Ruel is 4!!
Can you believe it?!!

I am truly really really really thankful for this, thank God will all of my heart.
It's been a hard way but also a joyful day in the same time.
A beautiful day I will never ever regret.
An unbelievable experience a human can feel.
And I know all of you know what I am talking about when it comes to our children...


Joeruel is 4th!
Thank you, Jesus!!

God again had bring miracle of life for our family 4 years ago by sending Joeruel into our family.

And He had keep him, bless his way, taking care of him, change him, paints his life... to be Joeruel today. And I thankful with no ends for this.

Love you God.. and love you, Ruel.... my beloved son ever!


and I don't wanna missed to capture his early minutes of "4 year old" sleeping face of course!! ;)



My sleeping baby Ruel, just turns 4, few minutes ago.
And this is his "4 year old" sleeping face. Still so "baby-ish". :)

He had been waiting VERY impatiently for his 4th birthday and kept asking about his birthday present. And also kept asking if days had changed into Tuesday. :)

Now is the day, Ruel..

I wish you a happy birthday...
a super beautiful birthday a son can ever expect.

And most of all.... mommy wish you will always walking in God's way... truly love Him, obey His words, and there's nothing in this world you should worry anymore.. as you are His son... and your Father in Heaven will take care of you.. even when your mommy and daddy "world" can't. Because we are limited, but He is unlimited...

Love you, son.. and you won't believe how much, how deep, and how wide... I love you...

Marriage and Business

How to be succesful in your marriage and also business..?

Two basic points that I learn are...
1st: trust your hubby as the leader in your family annointed by God Himself
2nd: support his business more than yours.

Who knows better?

The truth is the more we know, the more we should humbled our self - but sadly evil turns it differently - the more we knows the easier we judge.

Manusia... manusia..
still amazed sama kebaikan hati manusia, tapi sekaligus kemudahannya untuk menghakimi manusia lainnya.

How to Serve the Lord version.1

May we focus on the simple ways we can serve in the kingdom of God, always striving to change lives, including our own. - M. Russell Ballar

As the Bible said:

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." (John 13:34).

We might want to see the sample on Christ Himself. :)
Everything that Jesus do, He do it for others.
Tell me one thing that He do, that is NOT serving others!


It's impossible for us to bless the Lord if we don't bless others.
Sometimes we think it too far, by doing charities, etc, but we forget the 1st thing that we need to do is to serve our closest community: family.



The 1st community the Lord created is family, through Adam and Eve. His 1st creations.

And right now, our family include:
1. our parents
2. our brothers/sisters
3. our spouse (hubby/wife)
4. our children

Start it for the closest one, hubby and children.

Sometimes we get overwhelmed with lots of works to do. Household, children, cooking maybe, or even working, and we don't know what else we need to do to serve others.
Or sometimes we get confuse what we need to do.
We might see our friend who are good in cooking, s/he always serve others by giving them her best cooks. Or another one maybe is really excellent in teaching, He gives his time to teach others what he knows.

"The key... is to know and understand your own capabilities and limitations and then to pace yourself, allocating and prioritizing your time, your attention, and your resources to wisely help others, including your family." as written by: M. Russell Ballar

Sometimes, we can only offer our ear to listen to others. And that could be the best service.
The point again is: do it in the name of God.
Do it with the right motivation. That we wish the best for others, we do it with love.
Again, in the name of God.

And you know what? The most beautiful things is... even the smallest thing we do, even if we don't get noticed by others... God see and HE KNOWS! As He see our hearts, not the "big deal" we do.
Again, whatever we do, DO IT IN THE NAME OF GOD!

Eliminate guilt. Sometimes when we get so busy and "forget" hubby or children, we often pay it by serving them based on guilt. But guilt is not the right motivation to do things based on Jesus Christ. And it surely doesn't change lives. As Jesus comes to this world to take away our guilt.

“take my yoke upon you, … and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:29)

Whatever we do, base it on Christ.

source

Love and Bless the Lord

How can you say that you love the Lord but you don't love each other?
And how can you bless the Lord without blessing others? :)

Everything we do, do it in the name of God.

miss you Ruel..

miss you... Ruel... while u were sleeping...

and Hansel wrote this at FB:

Sleep my Baby on my bosom
Warm & cozy it'll prove
Round thee mother's arms are folding
In her heart a mother's love
Then shall no one come to harm thee... See More
Nor shall ever break thy rest
Sleep my darling Babe in quiet
Sleep in mother's gentle breast

Thank u so much, Sel...
so sweet, gentle, and beautiful poem in this silent night...

I will follow

“I will follow you wherever you go.”

Can you still follow Him even though you didn't know how He will provide you?

“Foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head” (Luke 9:58).

Easter 2010

Happy Easter everyone..

All my beloved friends who join the celebration of resurrection... together with me..

This 2010 is my 15th Easter celebration since the 1st time I born again..
the 1st time I receive Jesus as my Savior.
the 1st time my whole life turning back to the right way...
the 1st time I understand that I am worth enough to be loved.. :)

15 years is not a long time.. but it's also not a short time, times can make the Easter celebration become just a "habit" or just a "tradition". Which I am happy that Easter this year is not a tradition for me.

God had lead my way and let maaaaaaaany things happen in my life these past years.
The time while I felt that He is not there with me... and when even to see the sun rise in the morning hurts my heart.
But again, He proved that He actually NEVER leave me alone.



Dia mungkin membiarkanku terjatuh tapi TIDAK PERNAH membiarkanku tersungkur, dan tidak sanggup berdiri kembali.

Autismn Awareness Day

2 april, international autism awareness day.. bless you, all children with special needs, all moms and dads... the Lord bless you, keep you, love you, taking care of you, and has special plans for you... never give up, never be afraid, depend on God, you are priceless!

We can either glorified His name, or glorified "other gods".

God, You are beautiful....

Stand for the truth sometimes is expensive, but it's priceless

Preparing heart for the celebration of resurrection...

God, I am scared...

Me...

While I was thinking should I keep this blog or not, I was also debating should I post this in English or in Indonesia. But then I think, I will write with whatever language cross my mind. :)

Here I wanna share a little thing about myself.
How, and who am I in the eye of people, in the eye of myself.

1. Those who knows me, knows that I am artistic.
I love arts, the artistic blood flows in me.
I love music, I love photography, I love drawing, I love illustration, I love art and craft, and I even enjoy museums. I am attached with everything that is unique and beautiful in my eyes (and yes it sometimes really subjective). I love something different in arts and in human. In the other side, I am easily distracted with unbalanced shape or pictures (again, it's subjective).
I love red and white more than any colors, but basically I love every colors.

2. Those who knows me more, knows that I am interested in human.
I am interested in human's life. I have a big compassion for people's burden. I am amazed on how beautiful human's heart can be, and also how cruel a human can be. I am a really good listener and I remember almost eeeeeeeeevery story a friend told me. I am not easily influenced by gossips and bad stories about other people. I get excited with other people's happiness and blessing. And in some cases, my blue and sorrow days can be taken away when I heard people's won from their sorrow and burden.
In the past people's burden can influenced me a lot and makes me sorrow for days. Which I learn to control in for years, so it won't taken my own happiness. I can cried by days because of other people's broken hearts.
I cried easily, but usually I won't show it in front of other people.
I was once avoid sad stories in TV and reality show, as it will affected my days.
I was crying for days when I heard about Tsunami in Aceh few years ago, cried so loud after watching Slumdog Millionaire, and the scenery keep haunting me for days.
I remember every kindness given for me, even in small things.


3. Those who knows me even more, knows that I am especially interested in little children.
I am interested with children with special needs, children who weren's so lucky in their life, children who suffer in their life.
And God had given me this compassion loooong before I even have my own child.
My last final art project in campus is about street children.
My 1st books collection is about children with special needs.
And God gave me a child with special needs myself for me to love with all of my heart (which I will told you the story one day).
My hearts breaks the most if it's related with little human's life.
And when it combined to both of my interest: art and children, I am falling in love with children books, and every artistic projects about children rescue and campaign.

and almost the last...
4. Those who knows me a little recognize that I am a Christian easily.
Mostly because I just can't keep my mouth about Christian life and journal and the Bible, and His words and blablabla.. even when I am far far far away from Him.
But really little of people KNOWS that I still haven't discover my Christian life myself. I am falling in love with Jesus even though I feel I am not worth to even serve Him.

5. People said that I am an idealist
I don't know what to said about this.
I just know that I try my best to do what is right.


opsss... and 6. I talk to animals. :)