Rangkul Pejuang Cilik

Matthew 11
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.


God never told us that our road will be easy, but He always said that He will give us strength.
Through my Christian journey, I had walk in so many hills, and also so many valley, that sometimes I though I am not gonna pass this journey, there's a time while I hate my God, and I feel that He not loving me anymore. And I feel lost..
But those who really accept Jesus as their Savior will NEVER forget the feeling of how s/he knows Jesus for the 1st time, and so does me. I do fall, but God never let me go..

Psalms 37 : 24
Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

and little by little... I feel enough of he lonely feeling I felt in those dark days.. and I decide to follow what my deepest heart say... that I want to be with Him again. I want to feel His love again.

I take a step by putting my son in Tunas Bangsa school, this is the only choice I make for my son, as I believe that at that school my son will have a chance to know Jesus and I somehow believe I will have an encounter with God again while my son goes there, even though I don't know how.

Looks like God heard the little voice my heart. Start when my son goes to Tunas Bangsa, my desire to get back to God getting bigger and bigger. I feel like I wanna explode with my desire. And I magically found a beautiful community, those who also looking for God and had missed a Christian community and we slowly make a cell group together. I start to take a step to get back to the church after 2 years. And my heart is hunger of His words that I cried EVERY week when I start to go to church (from 4 weeks ago).

One thing I know for sure, it is GOD Himself who put the desire in my heart. As with my own strength it's impossible for me to get back to God. It is impossible for me to be someone who "wants" God anymore.

At the 2nd week Eddy Margono said in the middle of preaching this scripture:

Hebrew 13:8
Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

And those words grows in my heart and my tears start to fall.. start from in the middle the preaching till the end of the church, my tears can't stop falling down.
God reminds me how much I looooove Him the 1st time I know Him. And hoooooooowwww much I feel that He loves me! He loves me... and He loves me.
And while since I know God my whole life change.
The Lord who loves me 15 years ago is the same God who let all these things happen in my life. That is the SAME GOD. The same kind God, the same beloved God, the same beautiful God. He, who will never plan something bad for me... He, who will never let anything happen to me. He, who loves me so much that He wanna die in the cross for me.
During my darkest days I always told Him.. God I had do this and that... why on earth you let these happen to me? Why God? Why me? Why me?
And God reminds me... "you say you had do this and that.. don't you remember that I had die for you?"
I never stop crying... and the whole week after I heard that scripture I cried almost every day alone with no one knows. For me, my relationship with God is really personal, it's intimate that no one can touch that part.

And for the 1st time after years... maybe even after 10 years I feel that I am falling in love again with God. I can't believe that I can feel that again.
And again I know for sure, it is God HIMSELF who put love inside my heart.
Because by my own strength it is impossible for me to love Him like this.
And it's a different love than the love I feel 15 years ago the 1st time I know Him. The love I feel like know is somehow more gentle and mature.
I am falling in love again... and I am falling in love with my Jesus..

My problem is not finished yet.
My son and me is still struggling with PDD NOS, still fight the autism.
But I am no longer blame God for this. I am no longer angry with God.