Monday, August 24, 2015
Kata orang.. kita baru bisa melihat siapa seseorang itu sesudah bekerja sama dengannya dalam hal keuangan. Tapi for me... dari situ juga teruji kepada siapa kita menggantungkan diri kita.. kepada Tuhan kah, atau kepada keuangan? karena sometimes it can be a thin line. I pray for everything we start from prayer, will grow in prayer, and will make us grow in faith. and will drag us closer to God.. and to trust in Him more than human. And pray for everyone who involved that the Lord will make us huge in faith and to enjoy every process. and may the love of Christ in us will bigger than everything else. coz it matter the most.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Javen is always extremely hard to feed, aka susaaaaah syekaleeee makannya... sekali suapin bisa sejam and even more. During my tired weeks. been two weeks suapin dia by myself, hari ini I was so tired and I put him on the table and suapin dia. Before I do that... I hug him and whisper a prayer... "Tuhan Yesus, tolong bantu supaya Javen gampang makannya sekarang..." can not even said a loud prayer atau doa yg tegas saking cape nya. Gladly malam ini I consider Jave makan lumayan walo tetep aja ga habis. Seriously.. sometimes hanya di bawah tekanan manusia tuh bisa berdoa sampe hal yg sekecil-kecilnya. tongue emoticon #tiredmom #wholovesherkidsextremely #andinbigneedofJesus #andmiracle #haha
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Decision need to be made
This year is a tough year, even though it was started with one of the biggest blessing in my life: Javejave.
But all this year I had a big battle in my heart, whenever I should stop working (selling stuffs in my online shop), or focusing in parenting. One day I decide to stop, the next day I keep selling stuffs. And let say I sell pretty good. Not all the time of course, but it's all ok. I had met various people while I sell stuffs and a lot of experience, not everything good, but everything makes me learn a new thing over another.
In the middle of my battle of "continue or not". I was attack by many jealousy which I don't wanna share too much here. And may it stay in privacy with my closest friends. But anyway a year almost passed before I even realize. This is November. My Jave2 is 10 months. And he will be 1 year next year January 2014. I know that I finally need to make a final decision. And there will be no argue about it. I will stop selling and focusing on both my boys.
I just never realize that Ruel had grown up so big. He will be 8 next year. And he will be in the 3rd grade. He had going much taller, he feels, he thinks, and he decide many things. This year speed up his mental growth more than many many years behind. And I know why. He had a baby brother and mom is pretty much divided by dedek Javejave, works, and him. He loves his baby brother of course, a lot. But I know he wants me more. And I will give him that. His childhood can never back. So let's pray for me, friends... I had stuffs that I need to sells before everything comes to the end. And I can only hope it will sell as fast as it can because I am running of time. Why running of time? Because childhood don't wait for me. And no matter what, I know God will help me. I love you, Ruel and Javejave. When you grow up, and this blog still exist, and you are reading this, you know that I love you more than everything and more than the air I can breathe.
But all this year I had a big battle in my heart, whenever I should stop working (selling stuffs in my online shop), or focusing in parenting. One day I decide to stop, the next day I keep selling stuffs. And let say I sell pretty good. Not all the time of course, but it's all ok. I had met various people while I sell stuffs and a lot of experience, not everything good, but everything makes me learn a new thing over another.
In the middle of my battle of "continue or not". I was attack by many jealousy which I don't wanna share too much here. And may it stay in privacy with my closest friends. But anyway a year almost passed before I even realize. This is November. My Jave2 is 10 months. And he will be 1 year next year January 2014. I know that I finally need to make a final decision. And there will be no argue about it. I will stop selling and focusing on both my boys.
I just never realize that Ruel had grown up so big. He will be 8 next year. And he will be in the 3rd grade. He had going much taller, he feels, he thinks, and he decide many things. This year speed up his mental growth more than many many years behind. And I know why. He had a baby brother and mom is pretty much divided by dedek Javejave, works, and him. He loves his baby brother of course, a lot. But I know he wants me more. And I will give him that. His childhood can never back. So let's pray for me, friends... I had stuffs that I need to sells before everything comes to the end. And I can only hope it will sell as fast as it can because I am running of time. Why running of time? Because childhood don't wait for me. And no matter what, I know God will help me. I love you, Ruel and Javejave. When you grow up, and this blog still exist, and you are reading this, you know that I love you more than everything and more than the air I can breathe.
This is my handsome Ruel.. he is now falling in love with dinosaurs. When he was a little boy, I pretty much wonder why he has no interest with it. But now.. :) Hmm.. his days is full with it. And T-Rex is his fave one. :)
This is my cutest little one, Javejave. He is 10 months. He loves me (of course), and whenever I shown up, he will reach his hands to me. He loves to smile, and he laugh a lot. He is full of joy, loud like his brother (yes both my boys ARE loud and I am happy for it! I love LOUD boys in house! ^^ ).
So this is me. And these are the boys I am giving my life for. :)
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Restart!
I am practically have too much blog and not updating for years. Poor me, and bad bad blogger.
However why I decide to use this blog instead of the others, simply because the name of the blog is pretty much summed up my life and what been happen to me years and what changed my life the most.
During the hiatus of me "writing about life". I actually still write here and there. But none of them published or published with anonymous. Wasted? Not for me. Or maybe pretty much, LOL. But since writing is my hidden therapy, I don't feel wasted. I realize I been destroying too much (seriously TOO MUCH) writing I had done for years. Some of them I regret, some of them, I am not.
But anyway, I hope I can actually start writing again.
Pardon whatever I said here. Coz I will be completely honest.
You will see me worshiping and adoring God but you can also see me when I want someone's blood. Ok, that's hyperbolic, but well that's me! :D
However why I decide to use this blog instead of the others, simply because the name of the blog is pretty much summed up my life and what been happen to me years and what changed my life the most.
During the hiatus of me "writing about life". I actually still write here and there. But none of them published or published with anonymous. Wasted? Not for me. Or maybe pretty much, LOL. But since writing is my hidden therapy, I don't feel wasted. I realize I been destroying too much (seriously TOO MUCH) writing I had done for years. Some of them I regret, some of them, I am not.
But anyway, I hope I can actually start writing again.
Pardon whatever I said here. Coz I will be completely honest.
You will see me worshiping and adoring God but you can also see me when I want someone's blood. Ok, that's hyperbolic, but well that's me! :D
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Me, God, Ruel, and bullier...
Tonight when I close my eyes and start to sleep, suddenly a fear cross my mind. and I open my eyes to let the fear and worry goes away. And I start talk to God.
The fear I have is about the way my son will be raised. And that he will meet a lot of people who might be cruel. Orang2 yang mungkin tidak punya hati nurani.
Pikiran ini muncul secara beragam dan datang dari berbagai ingatan saya akan hari-hari kemarin, maupun masa lalu yang saya alami sendiri.
Beberapa hari terakhir ini, tadi sore, dan juga Jumat sore, saya 2 kali bersinggungan dengan anak-anak yang "sulit". Anak-anak yang menjengkelkan, dan anak-anak yang mencoba "menganggu" anak saya, walaupun mungkin tidak secara langsung. Tanpa perlu disusahkan oleh details, intinya saya kesal, dan merasa terganggu dengan anak-anak dan orang tua-orang tua mereka. Mereka HANYAlah anak-anak yang bersinggungan dengan kami di Mall, di Paperclip maupun arena bermain anak.
Bagian dari anak Tuhan dalam diri saya ingin sekali cuek dan penuh penguasaan diri, sabar, mengampuni, dan sebagainya yang seharusnya anak-anak Tuhan hadapi. Tapi sisi seorang mama dari saya, membuat saya gemas dan ingin bertidak. Saya pulang dengan tidak banyak bersikap negative, dan hanya tegas terhadap anak-anak tersebut, tapi muncul andai-andai... bagaimana kalo saya labrak saya ya mama-nya? atau saya sindir saja? atau saya tegur saja?
Sampai malam ini Tuhan berbicara kepada saya, "mereka itu juga anak-anakKu."
"Tuhan.. kenapa ciptaanMu begitu banyak yg cruel? well.. I am no better than anyone else, of course, but at least I am not cruel..."
then God reminds me a scenery of myself being cruel to a weaker friend I have waktu SMP, something that being forgotten for so long... and saya minta pengampunan Tuhan dan memberkati teman saya itu, yang sekarang entah ada dimana. pastinya tidak ada di FB saya. :)
Dan kembali saya diingatkan pada waktu SD dan SMP, I was being bullied by some stronger person. The time while I have a weak personality. And yes, I didn't know God at that time. And I have a false image, a broken image about myself. Those moments scratch my heart so deeply and destroy my self esteem, until the day I know God.
Again not into details about how God change me at that time, but I am afraid. Saya takut bahwa Ruel akan mengalami hal-hal yang saya alami. Intinya saya takut anak saya di-bully. Ketakutan yang saya tahu dimiliki oleh banyak mama dan papa miliki.
Anak saya, Ruel, mirip seperti saya. Kami berdua menilai baik dan buruk secara hitam dan putih. Kami terganggu pada hal-hal yang berada di area abu-abu, kami tidak mengerti kenapa seorang anak/teman merebut barang milik orang lain. Kami tidak mengerti kenapa walaupun "miss" sudah memberitahu anak-anak untuk tidak memukul, anak-anak masih juga memukul.
Anak saya, Ruel, hari ini baru berkata pada saya sore, ini.. "mami, miss bilang anak-anak ngga boleh tendang dan pukul". waktu itu konteks saya itu tendang bola, rupanya dia salah tangkap maksud saya. Tapi clearly I KNOW that my son get what his miss said, "do not hit other children." and clearly he doesn't understand WHY other people do that. He is a white and black person. And he is definitely like me and his daddy.
Being a "black and white" person, I struggle in many things.
At elementary school, a bunch of popular gals decide to "hate" a boy who had many scratch di kakinya. No other reason, simply hanya karena anak itu punya banyak borok di kakinya, dan seluruh anak perempuan di kelas memusuhi dia, except me. Yep!! You read it clear, except me. Because I just DON'T understand why we should ignore him just because of that. And that makes me "different". And to be different means you got no friend.
All those forgotten memories, being bullied, ignored, and so many things in the past before I know Jesus, suddenly came again tonight and I said, "God I am scared".
God said, "Kenapa tidak engkau serahkan Ruel padaku?"
"But God, saya takut, karena Engkau bisa membiarkan hati Ayub hambaMu begitu sakit walaupun demi kebaikan dia, saya takut Engkau ijinkan hati anakku tersakiti, seperti apa yang pernah aku alami.".
"It's not that I don't know what you feel. It's not that I am not a Father. I had given my Jesus to save you, and my Jesus' heart being hurt so deeply that it's hurt my heart so much. I know what you feel."
This suddenly makes me realize that I think I know better and has a better plan than God. But I am actually not.
Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways
my ways, saith the LORD.
55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
The best plans all parents can have, is let God's plans happen to our children.
We clearly don't understand what we should do and how to teach our children to have a strong personality, but God knows.
We don't understand how we should teach our children to handle things and to pick the best decision in difficult times, but God knows.
Actually, we... know nothing. But God knows.
Being afraid, worry, is so human.
But we are His children. We should send all of it to God.
Serahkanlah segala kekuatiranmu kepada-Nya, sebab Ia yang memelihara kamu.
1 Petrus 5:7
Buat all mommies and daddies.
And terutama buat Oliv yg kutahu have the same burden with me. I luv u so much.
The fear I have is about the way my son will be raised. And that he will meet a lot of people who might be cruel. Orang2 yang mungkin tidak punya hati nurani.
Pikiran ini muncul secara beragam dan datang dari berbagai ingatan saya akan hari-hari kemarin, maupun masa lalu yang saya alami sendiri.
Beberapa hari terakhir ini, tadi sore, dan juga Jumat sore, saya 2 kali bersinggungan dengan anak-anak yang "sulit". Anak-anak yang menjengkelkan, dan anak-anak yang mencoba "menganggu" anak saya, walaupun mungkin tidak secara langsung. Tanpa perlu disusahkan oleh details, intinya saya kesal, dan merasa terganggu dengan anak-anak dan orang tua-orang tua mereka. Mereka HANYAlah anak-anak yang bersinggungan dengan kami di Mall, di Paperclip maupun arena bermain anak.
Bagian dari anak Tuhan dalam diri saya ingin sekali cuek dan penuh penguasaan diri, sabar, mengampuni, dan sebagainya yang seharusnya anak-anak Tuhan hadapi. Tapi sisi seorang mama dari saya, membuat saya gemas dan ingin bertidak. Saya pulang dengan tidak banyak bersikap negative, dan hanya tegas terhadap anak-anak tersebut, tapi muncul andai-andai... bagaimana kalo saya labrak saya ya mama-nya? atau saya sindir saja? atau saya tegur saja?
Sampai malam ini Tuhan berbicara kepada saya, "mereka itu juga anak-anakKu."
"Tuhan.. kenapa ciptaanMu begitu banyak yg cruel? well.. I am no better than anyone else, of course, but at least I am not cruel..."
then God reminds me a scenery of myself being cruel to a weaker friend I have waktu SMP, something that being forgotten for so long... and saya minta pengampunan Tuhan dan memberkati teman saya itu, yang sekarang entah ada dimana. pastinya tidak ada di FB saya. :)
Dan kembali saya diingatkan pada waktu SD dan SMP, I was being bullied by some stronger person. The time while I have a weak personality. And yes, I didn't know God at that time. And I have a false image, a broken image about myself. Those moments scratch my heart so deeply and destroy my self esteem, until the day I know God.
Again not into details about how God change me at that time, but I am afraid. Saya takut bahwa Ruel akan mengalami hal-hal yang saya alami. Intinya saya takut anak saya di-bully. Ketakutan yang saya tahu dimiliki oleh banyak mama dan papa miliki.
Anak saya, Ruel, mirip seperti saya. Kami berdua menilai baik dan buruk secara hitam dan putih. Kami terganggu pada hal-hal yang berada di area abu-abu, kami tidak mengerti kenapa seorang anak/teman merebut barang milik orang lain. Kami tidak mengerti kenapa walaupun "miss" sudah memberitahu anak-anak untuk tidak memukul, anak-anak masih juga memukul.
Anak saya, Ruel, hari ini baru berkata pada saya sore, ini.. "mami, miss bilang anak-anak ngga boleh tendang dan pukul". waktu itu konteks saya itu tendang bola, rupanya dia salah tangkap maksud saya. Tapi clearly I KNOW that my son get what his miss said, "do not hit other children." and clearly he doesn't understand WHY other people do that. He is a white and black person. And he is definitely like me and his daddy.
Being a "black and white" person, I struggle in many things.
At elementary school, a bunch of popular gals decide to "hate" a boy who had many scratch di kakinya. No other reason, simply hanya karena anak itu punya banyak borok di kakinya, dan seluruh anak perempuan di kelas memusuhi dia, except me. Yep!! You read it clear, except me. Because I just DON'T understand why we should ignore him just because of that. And that makes me "different". And to be different means you got no friend.
All those forgotten memories, being bullied, ignored, and so many things in the past before I know Jesus, suddenly came again tonight and I said, "God I am scared".
God said, "Kenapa tidak engkau serahkan Ruel padaku?"
"But God, saya takut, karena Engkau bisa membiarkan hati Ayub hambaMu begitu sakit walaupun demi kebaikan dia, saya takut Engkau ijinkan hati anakku tersakiti, seperti apa yang pernah aku alami.".
"It's not that I don't know what you feel. It's not that I am not a Father. I had given my Jesus to save you, and my Jesus' heart being hurt so deeply that it's hurt my heart so much. I know what you feel."
This suddenly makes me realize that I think I know better and has a better plan than God. But I am actually not.
Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways
my ways, saith the LORD.
55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
The best plans all parents can have, is let God's plans happen to our children.
We clearly don't understand what we should do and how to teach our children to have a strong personality, but God knows.
We don't understand how we should teach our children to handle things and to pick the best decision in difficult times, but God knows.
Actually, we... know nothing. But God knows.
Being afraid, worry, is so human.
But we are His children. We should send all of it to God.
Serahkanlah segala kekuatiranmu kepada-Nya, sebab Ia yang memelihara kamu.
1 Petrus 5:7
Buat all mommies and daddies.
And terutama buat Oliv yg kutahu have the same burden with me. I luv u so much.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Journey
Life is a mysterious journey. every journey the Lord took me always leads me to understand that He loves me so... even though it hurts in the beginning.
photo taken on the way to Indonesian Graphic Designer Award.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
photo taken on the way to Indonesian Graphic Designer Award.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Those Little Angels...
Just a little something that I draw few days ago at Starbucks. :)
The angel boy is Ruel. He always has his hair standing like that after he wake up.
I was imagine about angels of love.
That.. up on the sky there's many little angels who have lots of love to spread all around the world.
The friendship love, the lover's love, and.. the mother's love.
To bring piece and happiness all around the world.
BUT maybe we have those angels at our own house, through the purity of our own children.
For those who haven't, maybe your little angel are still up on the sky, and God is waiting for the right time to send one to your door... :)
The angel boy is Ruel. He always has his hair standing like that after he wake up.
I was imagine about angels of love.
That.. up on the sky there's many little angels who have lots of love to spread all around the world.
The friendship love, the lover's love, and.. the mother's love.
To bring piece and happiness all around the world.
BUT maybe we have those angels at our own house, through the purity of our own children.
For those who haven't, maybe your little angel are still up on the sky, and God is waiting for the right time to send one to your door... :)
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